Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Ticket C3829474765768939 to counter 3

It turns out I've been driving on an expired drivers licence. Wolf got his renewal AGES before his expired so when my renewal turned up in the mail I didn't look at the date I just figured I had AGES too. I didn't. I needed a new photo because the last few cops and other such people that have had cause to look at it have done the double take, squint at it, squint at me, affair to check that the well-rested blond in the photo is actually the sleep-deprived sea hag brunette that is before them. 5 years can do a lot to a girl, not all of it good. 5 years ago I was young, in love, pregnant. But in the words of a wise man Meatloaf "two outta three ain't bad".

So I was going to go when I was looking a little more "together" than I was yesterday but I had an anxiety attack in the early afternoon that I would crash the car and it wouldn't be my fault but they wouldn't care because it must be my fault if I am driving on an expired licence. I had to go.

Now let me set the scene for you... I had intended to spend the day at home, just me and the kids, no one to see me. I hadn't showered. The kids were in fine form and I felt that it was probably safer to skip the shower than to risk leaving them "alone" in the house while I took 2 minutes to shower. I didn't think I smelt but you can never be sure when it's your own odour you are wondering about. My hair was disgusting. REALLY disgusting. So I added another layer of deodorant and hairspray and I brushed my teeth. I still felt gross but I was hoping I was hiding that from the rest of the world. I dreaded the thought of taking two small children to the Dept. of Transport. So I did what any unwashed, desperate, trailer park, normal mother would do and I bribed them. I made it sound really good too. "You boys are going to be on your VERY best behaviour when we go out, I know you are VERY good boys and you love to make mummy happy by being so good but this afternoon we need to go to a special office and if you are VERY good we'll go and get milkshakes afterwards at McDonalds". See, you'd behave if you were my kid wouldnt you?

So off we troupe with one car each to play with and our greasy unwashed stinky trail behind us.

There is about 10 counters at the Dept. of Transport for serving their adoring public. 2 are used solely for allocating tickets numbers to said public, now down to 8 counters, 1 is taken up by the big photo machine, that leaves about 7 counters. 3 were closed. We are down to 4 counters serving their not so pleased public. 1 is only for dealing with those taking their written or practical driving test. Yep, 3 counters for their now turning feral public. So I fill out my form, get my number (2 counters? really do they need that?), and sit and wait for our number to be called. Andwaitandwaitandwait. I get called up to be served but not before my kids have crawled around on the disgusting floor, rested their faces on the disgusting floor, shoved their cute little fingers in holes that go to who knows where and contain who knows what. The chick that serves me didn't like me in highschool. I have no idea why. She was cool and sporty and I was not. That is about all I can come up with. I was hoping the sea hag appearance and the change of surname was enough to throw her off so she didn't get all dramatic about my licence being expired. I knew she had two options, plow through one more transaction and just renew it or ask questions. I was praying. Thankfully she either didn't recognise me (perhaps the stink lines wafting up from me like in the cartoons threw her off) or has turned into a customer service clone and she just renewed it. When I saw the photo I thought that perhaps she had remembered me and had photoshopped a sea hag onto the picture instead and then I remembered what I had seen in the mirror just before I went out and it all made sense. I do have some weird black flecks all over my face, they are all over the rest of the licence too, not attractive. So, 40 minutes later, licence in hand, kids still being well behaved we headed off for their reward... through the drive through. I wasn't letting anyone else get too close, just in case.

All that to say, I was really proud of my sweet little boys waiting there for all that time. I remember going there with my parents (and they haven't updated the decor at all, just provided seating to appease the waiting masses) and thinking it was quite possibly the most boring place on earth. I still think that about the place but my company made it all a lot more bearable.


  1. Guess what??? My licence expires in 2 days, we could have gone together and been a bit less bored. As it is I've got to figure out how to allocate the time needed to fit in a visit to the gulag, I mean politburo, I mean Dept of Transport, before the end of the week.

  2. Very funny! Hope you got your shower - I could just imagine the stink fumes rising in my mind. (I'm sure you really didn't smell.)

  3. I know the stinky feeling. I have had a hectic couple of days & badly need to wash my hair.

    I also hate Dept of Transport but at least I work next door & can go when I am kind of presentable (& without kids). Usually when I go it is at Lunch time so there is a gazillion people there & they only have 1 counter open (cause they obviously don't schedule extra staff for covering lunch breaks).

  4. This is an awesome post!!!!! I have never laughed so hard!!!!

    Mrs. Nurse Boy

  5. You are way to hard on yourself. Although all that build up, now you'll have to publish that license for all the blogosphere to view. ;)
    Why is it whenever you go somewhere completely appalling the kids will only stop short of licking the grimy floors every time? You deserve a nice hot bath after that outing.

  6. Very funny!!! Man, I'm with ya, sistah! The last time I went it was packed as usual.

    My experience is that people usually let their kids run wild, and I mean wild (which I am sure that you didn't and I never did either).

    One little girl was taking the free driver's manuals off the rack and ripping them up, much to the delight of her brother.

    Another two kids were playing tag and running all over the place. Running, for pete's sake!

    I don't understand how parents can ignore their kid's behavior and allow them to annoy other people. But I guess the parents are just enjoying the break, lol!

  7. That sounds like how I would have done it. Slathered on some more deodorant and out the door.

    I remember some former classmates like that. Can't figure out why they didn't like me and probably vice versa.

    Sorry about the dirty floor and hope you scrubbed the kids down good later on! :-)

  8. I'm glad that the experience of the department of transport is so universal. Medicare tries, but doesn't come close to its standards. Emergency waiting rooms have the potential. Getting my National Insurance number in the UK was close, but I didn't have the kids with me.
    Hope your drivers license doesn't look too bad in the light of day.

  9. We have a friend who owns his own business, so on paper it somehow always looks like he has no money.

    He'd try to get a loan but would have trouble every time, as they kept saying he was broke. Not true so he finally got the loan!

  10. Oh - that was very funny. You have such a neat way of looking at the less than shiny parts of life. You should write my memoirs!

    I do wanna see that picture...

  11. Just wanted to let you know I am very familiar, myself, with that trail of grease. My hair is looking LOVELY today. I smell really good, too (but hey, I'm spending 80% of the day cleaning and planting flowers. Why the heck would I shower for that?) I am even specially blessed because my hair is so fine and thin that I can't even shower the night before without my hair looking slick the next morning. But back to the point at hand...great job to the boys for their super behaviour. Perhaps I should send Katie to you for our summer for some pointers. I am that parent (today actually) that had to drag her but into the Home Depot because she wanted to push the cart throught the parking lot and wasn't moving while we had a car from every direction waiting for us to go.

  12. Sandra - The friday before this incident I spent 40 minutes in medicare! Oh, the horrors I witnessed. Thankfully I was child free so none of the horrors belonged to me:) That experience was just too traumatic to blog about

    Mrs Bear/Bobbie Jo - I will NOT be publishing my licence photo for all and sundry to cackle their heads off at. I am happy to make a fool of myslef but I do have my limits.


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