Thursday, 8 July 2010

Does this blog make my butt look big?

The post in which I dribble a little bit about my cute kids and then share way too much about a traumatic event I recently experienced.

2 1/2 hours after the boys went to bed last night Lion emerged seemingly for the sole purpose of telling me that he doesn't want me to go to bed yet... ugh, I was JUST about to.  We tuck him back in, remove the long sleeved shirt that Dragon had put over the top of his flanny pj's when it's really not cool enough for flannys even (until about 3 or 4am), shoo away the gecko that I thought was about to crawl into Dragon's open, snoring mouth, I'm about to leave the room when I hear... "ahdoyudoo" "what was that, sweetie?" "thinsthayudooo"... okay, Lion has fallen straight back to sleep and is sleep-singing along with the Roxette CD that is their bedtime music for tonight.

Monkey, I thought, has been pretty used to getting something different for dinner to what the rest of us are eating.  Two nights ago he had some of our pizza crust, which as far as pizza crusts go, are awesome.  Everything goes right to the edges so they are pizza but the crusts just hold together better.  Last night we were having left overs, there wasn't really enough so giving some crust to him was going to have a big impact on the over all amount of pizza available.  I also thought that he should perhaps have something a little more nutritious (while he still eats whatever I give him).  I cooked up some yummy butternut pumpkin for him and mixed in a little formula to make it creamy (hey, we're going for a weigh in, in about a week, and he needs to have put on everything he lost while vomiting last month and lots more).  We sat down for dinner and we all had pizza and he didn't.  He noticed.  He was not happy.  It's a good thing he likes creamy pumpkin and thought it was an okay substitute.

I had to buy new jeans last week.  It's been years since I bought new jeans.  I bought a pair for $9 at Target once and then I turned them into maternity jeans.  I had a pair of hand-me-downs for the winter between Lion and Dragon's pregnancies.  After I had Dragon I bought a pair of Rivers jeans that were perfect.  Just the right amount of stretch, a modest waist, not clingy but not like a potato sack strapped around each leg.  But as it goes, after you have a baby if you are lucky you may get back close to your previous weight but even if you do, it's all moved around and nothing fits anymore... not that I have got back to what I was, but even if I made it back, I don't think I could squish myself into these jeans anymore.  So, I needed new jeans.  I went back to Rivers expecting that surely they can't have changed their design that much in the last few years... Jeans are jeans are jeans, right?

Wrong.  Their jeans were all skinny, almost legging kinda jeans, even if they had my size there is no way on earth they would EVER look any good on me.  Sad and dejected I resigned myself to having to find a new pair somewhere else.  Target was slim pickings.  My friend suggested trying Jeans West because all their jeans were on special... that's a trendy shop... I don't do trendy shops.  I kinda liked having someone help me pick a style and explain what the difference between each of them was.  So I tried on the butt-lifter ones because that seemed to make sense when I have a boy bum... I thought I might actually have a butt if I put these ones on.  Okay, apparently you have to have a butt to be lifted... and the waist came nowhere near my waist and I was apparently wearing a size too big... you need to be at "I can't breathe and I'm about to pass out" stage in the shop to be sure they will fit you after they are at home and washed.  So I turned them down and asked if there was something with a higher waist (I soooo did not belong in this shop) so she offered me the granny panties of the jeans world... the waist control jeans.  They have an extra stretchy bit across the waist to hold everything in... but the waist still doesn't come up to my waist.  Have you seen those rolled pork roasts that are all strung up with pink flesh spewing out over each string? Yeah, well I looked like that and to top it off I couldn't feel the lower half of my body.  Eventually we found their plain old bootleg jeans.  Ahhh, these were the ones, so I let the lovely sales girl know.

"Would you like to look at them with our butt-cam?  You can see how your backside looks in them with our butt-cam just outside here." At which point she gestures to the common area of the change rooms... "HOLY SMOKES are you kidding me? You expect me to parade around in front of other people and waggle my cheeks at a VIDEO CAMERA that for all I know is recording my boy-bum parading around ready to upload to" actually, what I said was more of a mumbled "uh, no, that might release my kids on all the other poor shoppers, I think these are fine, thanks."

So, contributions to my counselling can be made through the link found at Thankyou.


  1. Shopping for Jeans is just slightly better than shopping for a swimsuit! Don't you think?

  2. Buying jeans is almost as traumatic as buying a swimsuit. We are lucky - Woolworths here has made a great plan with rizes, legs etc set out - i now buy them of the shelf.

  3. Buying jeans is almost as traumatic as buying a swimsuit. We are lucky - Woolworths here has made a great plan with rizes, legs etc set out - i now buy them of the shelf.

  4. and to add insult to injury they only have two leg lengths, (R) for regular and (L) for long... I asked where they keep the (D) for ducky coz my butts too close to the ground. Turns out I just have to deal with the extra 3 inches of jeans that I don't need on the bottom of the (R) ones... can they use that fabric on the top of the jeans so they cover a bit more of my belly?

  5. And you guys do NOT want to hear any stories of me trying on swimmers!

  6. OH MY WORD! WHO ON EARTH WOULD WANT THEIR BUMB ON TV LET ALONE WEBCAM? Especially after the trauma of trying on all those jeans? My self esteem would've been shot before I walked in that store let alone after trying all those jeans on.

    Stand tall my friend! I'm proud of you for not giving up and finding a pair you like.

  7. Maybe I should do a post on MY swimsuit trauma. I have a size 12 butt, size 8 boobs and sized 18 body length and I am middle aged. Swimsuit manufacturers think that all middle age swimsuit designs (ie. modest) must have those cast iron, size H for humungous, bra insert thingys in their swimsuits. My only decent swimsuit just died and I may never swim again :(

  8. I dread taking the girls shopping you dread taking the boys bum shopping...LOL. My Sis-in-law and I always say that together we are one hot little thing. You just need a friend to go along she can be your bum cam.

  9. Seriously?! A butt cam?! This post cracked me up!!

    Mrs. NB

  10. Jeans. I shudder as I think of them and how they are only for skinny girls anymore. *sigh* I miss my jeans.

    ( A butt cam? Really? Do you think they have one here too?!)


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