We're Under Siege!

They are coming to get us...

The creatures...

Creeping in from every direction...

Playing on our weaknesses...

Closer and closer they come...

AND THEY ARE TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT!!!!!

Over 9 days we were beset with some of the most hideous happenings around this place.

Episode One... Saturday lunchtime July 31st.
The boys and I are going stir crazy.  I can be inside the house all day and not worry most day.  But I hate the Saturdays that Wolf has to work.  Those days send me round the twist, I count the hours until the shop closes and then I start to listen like a crazed woman for the sound of his car coming down the street.  So we I decided to get out in the yard and do something domestic.  I had been getting sick of seeing all the weeds growing into the boys sandpit so I thought I'd go and pull them out.  I set up the playpen with a large towel underneath it so my baby couldn't choke on nature and need an ambulance ride to the hospital like his big brother did, put the baby in it and set to work.  I kept my eyes peeled for my old friend but he was nowhere to be seen.  I got through that and looked around, I might as well keep going since the bin was only half full of weeds.  I decided to tackle the bindiis (bindy-eyes) that are trying to take over our yard.  So there I was right next to the playpen with my baby in it pulling out great heaps of bindiis and weedy vines hand over fist and shoving them down into this bin.  I reach out and grab a handful of vines and start to pull... two great big hair arachnid legs reach out menacingly towards me... I let go of the vines, step back and bend over to have a better peek... it's a whopping great bird spider ready to suck my brains out like a milkshake and then follow it with a monkey brain chaser.  Well, that was the end of that little bit of domesticity... I grabbed the baby and came inside... and then called from the relative safety of my house to the two big boys playing in the sandpit that it was probably getting a bit to hot outside and they should come in now.  Wolf came home and couldn't find the spider where I said it had been... he did find the sucked-dry skin of a big old frog tossed aside by a bird spider like last nights take-away container.  Did I mention this was RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW????  I did  NOT sleep well that night!

Episode Two... Sunday evening August 1st.
Wolf has said there is a smell around... I have little sense of smell so I'm not much good at locating the source of these things.  I figure it can't be that bad since he is just complaining about it and not getting down and finding it.  Eventually I go to put Monkey to bed and it's too much for Wolf, he decides to empty the dishwasher because he figures if the smell is in the kitchen then getting the dirty dishes out of the way will go a ways to finding the stink.  The next thing I know he busts into the bedroom where I am feeding the Monkey and thrusts a camera LCD screen in my face all the while gagging and heaving.  I can't quite make out what is on the screen but I can tell it's inside the dishwasher.  Monkey has been well and truly woken up so I take him out to find out what is going on.  It was indeed the inside of my dishwasher... the dishwasher that I had put on just before lunch the day before... for about 30 hours the contents of that dishwasher had sat undisturbed bar the removal of a couple of pieces of cutlery and two breakfast bowls... and there, on the bottom of the dishwasher was the body of a rather large green tree frog... or at least he was once green, before he decided to slow-boil himself in our dishwasher!  I'll spare you the photo... I can't stand to look at it again to load it on here I'm not sure if you're eating or not so I'll just leave it on the hard drive.  At this point I realised that I had used one of the breakfast dishes that had been removed and I started gagging too...  Eventually we managed to slow the gagging enough for Wolf to remove the trays and try to lift out the soft boiled frog.  But it wouldn't lift.  It turned out it was baked on to the bottom of the dishwasher.  I'll spare you the details and just tell you that a barbecue/paint scraper was involved in the removal of the frog and our dishwasher has never been cleaner... and we washed all those dishes again and try not the think about the ones we used!

Episode Three... Monday midmorning August 9th.
I'm sitting at the computer right beside the back door.  I hear a noise, kind of like the breeze blowing through the long grass at the back fence... but kind of different.  I've heard this noise before... My entire body does NOT want to move but not knowing is worse... I get up, I look out the back door across the patio to the grass... nothing.  Thank goodness, I could have sworn that was snake noise.  I go to sit back down and catch a glimpse of something move right at my feet (on the other side of the screen)... a two metre long snake is slithering past my back door!  My mind goes into bladder control mode and then reminds myself to get the camera so I can look at photos when I am trying to identify it later...

Yep, that's a snake.

creeping creepily across my patio.

This one is just because I thought two photos might not be enough for you.

I chased it along to the next room and took more photos through the laundry door but they didn't work and it scared it and it scooted off into the grass.  Uh oh, I didn't like knowing it was on my patio but I REALLY didn't like not knowing where it was at all!  I rang Wolf at work, shaking like a leaf, and had a little freak out on the phone.  I spotted it over by the kids sandpit and had insane thoughts of grabbing one of their nets and getting out and catching it.  I didn't think those thoughts for very long.  I watched as it crept all over the boys toys and explored our yard.  Wolf told me to make some noise so it knew it wasn't welcome.  I had a baby asleep so I wasn't about to make some noise for an animal that doesn't even appear to have ears.  I remembered something about stamping on the ground when bushwalking will let snakes know that you are around and you are bigger than them... sounded good.  I put on my gumboots, tucked my jeans into them and went to go outside... I couldn't see it anymore.  Hang on, there he is... gingerly I open the door, he doesn't move... I go out onto the patio and stomp my little feet for all I'm worth... he still doesn't move... I edge over to the grass to get a better look... Hang on, if that's a stick then WHERE IS THE SNAKE?????  I hurry back inside and determine to never leave my house again!  After all, he's probably curled up on top of my garage roller door waiting to drop on my head.  I had a little vent on facebook and my sweet, kind cousin let me know that he was probably in my house by now... I went to close the window over the screen with the hole in it and shove a towel under the door into the garage.  I found that the garage door was open... he could be in my house!  Cousin P then proceeded to suggest what he might be doing in my house and give me photos of babies and snakes.  Yeah, I needed that.  My other male cousin from that side of the family Cousin A kindly suggested that I shake out my quilt before I go to bed because snakes like to make themselves comfy like that.  Thanks.  I was a neurotic mess by the time Wolf got home.  Monkey and I practically flew to the car to do the school and kindy run that afternoon.  Hooooo boy! I'm still getting the hibbidy jibbidies thinking about it now!

So anyone want to come and visit?

This is on top of the spider trapping me in the shower not too long ago.

They say that all of this nature and junk is a sign of a healthy environment.  Healthy, shmealthy, bring on the smog and pollution, I don't want all this nature getting so close to me!

Okay, you'll have to see yourself out now, I'm just going to go and curl up foetal position in a corner and rock back and forth for a bit.